Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.