If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Hero horse inspires millions
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*