Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what