[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.