Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.