On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
You Might Also Like
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
huge if true: the moon
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.