Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
so weird how every mom was born today
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor