Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶