4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
that wasn’t the question
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…