I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
You Might Also Like
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.