There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.