I hate when that happens.
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
cat vs inanimate object
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
black phone good
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history