Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.