[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee