I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You Might Also Like
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
and now we wait
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.