Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot