[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem