[on my way back to the posting caves]
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Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH