I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
He took my last fry, your honor
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Yup….perfect score!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
This January has 47 Mondays
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.