*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.