I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?