Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.