british sex workers really pound for pound
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Taco Bell, Exit 22
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
me 2 months after i graduated
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.