[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Beware of the dog..
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement