[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Uh oh…
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.