her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Customize Your Wedding.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day