*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime