“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
ready to be harvested
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!