me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down