AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
This was my dad’s browser history.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.