Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.