16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
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Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Breaking news:
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink