Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I occasionally drink every single night.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?