I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
What my back needs
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me