If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers