*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.