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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect