Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
oh you wanna fight?!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*