Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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I feel it
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.