ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.