Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
You Might Also Like
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.