“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Hit me in the face with a bird
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.