“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses