*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.