I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
How times have changed.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?