why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended