Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.