If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You Might Also Like
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me My dog
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest