[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Matt Goss
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Bruh PLEASE
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
This trial is so absurd 😭
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars