What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine